When will my life get better? When will i learn to live without him?
I had a dream last night, a dream that oh how i wish it was real. Here is goes
It was a school day like every other. A day being alone without him as my boyfriend anymore, it was lonely, sad & moodless. Nothing made me happy. I was in the canteen with Amanda & Heena. Suddenly he came up to me, and asked me to go to the counselling room with him. I'm like, okay. Once we were in the counselling room, he told me he loved me & asked me to be his girlfriend once again. I cried, oh yes i did. I cried & smiled at the same time and accepted it. Sigh, i could imagine how happy i was. So we were together ever since, again. Soon, i woke up & i cried, again. But this time, it was because it's only a dream. Sigh, i wanted it to be real, super real. I wanted it to happen. Well of course not in the counselling room & me getting emotional & all. But i just want him back, it's all i want. Him. I don't want anybody or anything else, only him.
Yesterday I had sent him a really harsh message. I told him to forget that we were ever together. Sigh, i didn't know that it would hurt him, & now he's not talking to me. I asked Jia Qi to make sure he's okay. I'm really sorry, i couldn't stop crying last night, then my mum called me for dinner, as usual i didn't want to eat. I told her i didnt wanna go out but in the end i did. I realised that my eyes were so red & i had horrible eye bags. I didn't know how to explain to my mum about it. So i decided to put on my lenses & just tell my mum that my eyes were red because of my lens. I couldn't possibly tell her that i cried right? Sigh. I cry everyday everynight. I just need him by my side. I really, need him. More than anything, i swear. I just can't take it. Living without him is killing me, it really. is. KILLING ME. It's been six days since we were broken up. And 4 days since he last told me he loved me. And 3 days since he last called me baby. I miss him so much I can't explain it. I don't feel like telling him anymore, it might just hurt him even more. Sigh i wish this world was much easier. Now what i want is to die. I have no mood for anything else. I don't want anything else, but him.
The only thing i pray for every night is for me & him to be back together. I have never regretted something so much in my life, i regret leaving him. Maybe he dosen't even love me anymore, i don't know, the guy i love MOST in this world dosen't want me back. I really hope he does. Haih. I've been trying, like hell. I see everyday but it's not enough. I see him as a friend. I want to see himhim as my boyfriend & the one i love. I really need him, really. So much I can't take it. It hurts a hell lot inside. I can't even put on a real smile. Because my smile is always fake without him. Why did i do it? Why in the FUCKING HELL WORLD did i break up with him? WHY? I regret so much that i feel so, so, ugh nevermind. I feel so empty so nothing. So weak and i feel so lonely. I need him so badly. I still love him as much as i did before, I can't take it. Life without him is really killing me. Please, I want you back so badly...
Two songs that explain how i feel;
A little too not over you
&
I can wait forever.
A little too not over you,
*Highlighted lines describe what i feel.*
It never crossed my mind at all
That's what I tell myself
What we had is come and gone
You better offer someone else
It is for the best
I know it is
But I see you
Sometimes I try to hide
What I feel inside
And I turn around
You're with him now
I just can't figure it out
Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you
Memories suppose to fade
What's wrong with my heart
Shake it off let it go
Didn't think it would be this hard
Should be strong, moving on
But I see you
Sometimes I try to hide
What I feel inside
And I turn around
You're with him now
I just can't figure it out
Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you
Maybe I regret
Everything I said
And there's no way
To take it all back
Yeah
Now I'm on my own
I wont let you go
I'll never understand
I'll never understand
Yeah, ohhh.
Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you
Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
And I really don't know what to do
I'm just a little too not over you
Not over you, ooh.
I Can Wait Forever,
*highlighted lines describe my feelings*
You look so beautiful today
When you're sitting there it's hard for me to look away
So i try to find the words that i could say
I know distance doesn't matter but you feel so far away
And I cant lie
Every time I leave my heart turns gray
And I want to come back home to see your face
And I
Cause I just cant take it
Another day without you with me
Is like a blade that cuts right through me
But I can wait
I can wait forever
When you call my heart stops beating
When you're gone it wont stop bleeding
But I can wait
I can wait forever
You look so beautiful today
It's like every time I turn around I see your face
The thing I miss the most is waking up next to you
When I look into your eyes, I wish that I could stay
And I cant lie
Every time I leave my heart turns gray
And I want to come back home to see your face
And I
Cause I just cant take it
Another day without you with me
Is like a blade that cuts right through me
But I can wait
I can wait forever
When you call my heart stops beating
When you're gone it wont stop bleeding
But I can wait
I can wait forever
I know it feels like forever
I guess that's just the price I gotta pay
But when I come back home to feel your touch
Makes it better
Till that day
Theres nothing else that I can do
And I just cant take it
I just cant take it
Another day without you with me
Is like a blade that cuts right through me
But i can wait
I can wait forever (I can wait forever)
When you call my heart stops beating
When you're gone it wont stop bleeding
But I can wait
I can wait forever
I can wait forever
I can wait forever...
I regret doing what i did, i regret leaving you. I regret it more than anything, i sweaaaaar.
I miss you so much, i hope you know that. I need you more than anything. I love you like i've never loved before. I want you back, sigh.
You're so worth it. You're worth my everything. YOU, are my everything.
This life of mine is nothing without you, i need you. Haih.
I'm sorry to have hurt you, i know i've done alot of that. But i really need you here & now. Please. Haihh.
I'm crying out blood.
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